Patient Intake Form For a 35y/o Woman Who Was Forced to Stay Up Past 9pm at a Hen Do

Primary reason for visit: Forced to stay up past 9pm at a hen do

Health concerns / symptoms:

(Onset, diagnosis, duration etc)

Patient presented to hen party with acute reluctance, aversion to maid of honour and an inflammatory response to Natasha Beddingfield’s Unwritten.

Symptoms worsened on introduction of two slices of own brand pizza for dinner despite 23 people having paid £50 each for the “big shop.”

Patient reports intensifying panic as 9pm approached, noting that a “Same Dick For Life” playlist was selected at 8:47pm and Aperol Prosecco Baby Guinness shots began production on a Fordist scale.

Likely hypertension from 21:01 onwards, suspected etiology — the wildcard invitee who everyone was “not really sure about” had passed out in the patient’s assigned bed, not before removing her mooncup and leaving it on the pillow.

How long have you had this issue:

Since 9pm

Have you been treated for this before:

(✓)Yes

No

If yes, list instances:

Chelsea’s Hen Do, Tulum, 2022. Bed time 02:37

Fran’s Hen Do, Liverpool, 2023. Bed time 01:42

Jane’s Hen Do, Belfast, 2024. Bed time 91:347. Time became meaningless. The interminable yawning chasm of the Hen Do cosmos swallowed my perception of self and place. I’m not even certain it was in Belfast. I don’t know anybody called Jane.

Medical history summary:

Do you have any of the following conditions: (check all that apply)

(✓) A known need for 9.5 hours of sleep per night regardless of what the magnesium hacking health bros say about the perils of hypersomnia

(✓) Weariness that a day supposed to represent the unique alchemical magic of two souls joining all look and feel identical and all cost you £500 and all make you stay up late like why are there no Hen Do’s that are just a sandwich in the park or all of us staying at home alone quietly by ourselves wishing them the best

(X) Zest for life

Are you currently taking any medications:

(✓)Yes

No

If yes, list medications:

Self imposed solitary confinement for 20 hours per day — patient refers to this as ‘inexpsosure therapy’

Patient reports the cultivation of an unlikably cynical world view in the hope of not being invited to future Hen Do’s, but notes that the relentless generosity and understanding of her close friends makes this impossible. Those fuckers.

Lifestyle and social history:

Patient reports that she used to be able to stay up past 9pm but last recalls this capability in the mid 1990’s. Before she was born.

Suspected lesions on the joy-and-awakeness-ganglion-cortex.

Calcified misery duct with likely occlusion to Hen Do valve.

Doctors notes:

(Confidential)

Patient has listed ‘my bed’ under next of kin

Alice Wilson is a writer and (sleepy) academic based in York, UK. She’s written for The Apple Valley Review, The Sunlight Press, and has work featured in The Sonder Press Best Small Fiction anthology 2021. You can find her in bed. Or here https://alicewilson91.substack.com/ @neither.both