Emotional Numbness, a defense mechanism from Trauma.

3 min read

1 hour ago

Imagine living a reality where you are now distant from your feelings and your emotions. Happiness feels weird, Crying feels like a performative act, Empathy feels like patronizing, Pain is a silent warm breeze that doesn’t faze you, being criticized is like hearing a person talk but on ‘mute’ because you are your greatest critic and no one does it better than you.

In another vein, you are so hollow inside that the sound of your breathing is like a thousand chirping crickets, the replays of the incidents that got you traumatized is like listening to your favorite band. You remain in your head, and slowly every color outside of you fades to grey. It is an insidious loophole, merciless in its nature, leaving you disconnected from self and everything else.

‘Numbness’ as a sense of ‘detachment’ from trauma is an alluring but cunning concept to slip into, here, in a bid to block out the pervasive after-effects of trauma you block out yourself too, what remains is a shell that waits for another day to come, repeatedly. You are present but not ‘present’ , you listen but not ‘listen’. It’s like a buffer that shields you from emotions you cannot bear.

In the beginning, It is so adaptive for survival, it allows you to function. Negatives are cemented out, you avoid situations that’ll make you think back on traumatic events. However, these mechanisms become a problem when it becomes a permanent thing, along the way, gradually you shut every emotion(pleasant and unpleasant) out, now it’s hard to connect with others when you cannot feel your own emotions, things that once brought you immense joy(hobbies, relationships) now feel uninteresting, depersonalization comes into play, physical numbness sets in: lack of sensations in different parts of your body.

Why is it so hard to let go of this?

Our brains learn patterns and when numbness persists it is trained to recognize it as a default setting. It interprets “feeling” as “danger” and continues to suppress emotions and sensations. Your apparent outward calm is perceived as cold, distant, snobbish, or uninteresting by others but there’s an unspoken longing for human interaction and passions you can not bring yourself to experience. Your brain find excuses not to engage in scenarios and activities that might make you feel, because feeling is synonymous to pain and the brain is always trying to protect you from pain.

Healing, is it possible?

Yes. But can you heal what you cannot feel? No. If the core trauma remains unaddressed, it keeps lurking within you, in its defense it is looking for an escape or release. That escape can only happen if you sit with the pain face to face. Starting one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. You won’t try to feel everything at once. With compassion and patience, you gently train your brain to allow you feel emotions, you try to acknowledge them, name them and accept them. Reach out to a trusted friend to share your feelings with if you need them validated externally, and let them act as an anchor and accountability partner for your healing.

Getting your vibrant self back from this is going to be a tough but noble journey, and the results are always beautiful and you’ll feel proud of yourself.

Numbness is not a failure, it is a sign you can adapt well to protect yourself, but knowing when it is not beneficial is vital. You deserve to truly feel and live, not just exist.

NB:

I chose not to personalize this, because it will feel to me like I am judging myself. So i wrote this from an ‘other’ or a third-person perspective, allowing it serve both as an advice to myself and to anyone experiencing this.

With love,

Sophia.