Claiming Space

4 min read

1 hour ago

Into the Wilderness: Story 51

My husband and I have worked hard to forge a relationship based on equality, respect and compassion. My husband is almost 70, so when I say we worked hard, I am referring to working through the embedded unconscious bias men his age have. To be clear, he has always been supportive of me and our daughters. What we’ve learned together, however, is that unconscious bias is familial, social, psychological, emotional and even spiritual. Any male today cannot be bias free.

One of the first arguments my husband and I had when we were dating was about my work. I used to work at least 60 hours per week and travel often for work. In the beginning of our relationship, this commitment level became an issue. My husband (then boyfriend) complained about it. While I admitted to workaholic tendencies, I asked him if he’d raise this issue with a man. In other words, if our roles were reversed, would this be an issue? I was a professional woman in an upwardly mobile managerial role. This is what this level of work often requires. He needed to decide if he could be comfortable with this. He decided he could be- and clearly he was. We’ve been married 11 years now.

Men my husband’s age are used to certain privileges and perspectives. They tend to be confident about their right to space- both physically and intellectually. If you’ve ever sat next to a man on an airplane, you may notice how he claims both arm rests and comfortably spreads his legs. Few men are aware of how they take up their and others’ space. My husband does this sometimes.

In fact, our most frequent unconscious bias conversation is about right to space. I am standing at the kitchen sink and my husband wants something on the other side of me. Rather than walk behind me- which is what I automatically would do- he says “excuse me,” expecting me to move out of the way so he can reach the item. I used to automatically step back to give him the “right of way.” But one day, I realized our different relationships with space- how automatically I would walk around him rather than ask him to move.

Here’s how unconscious bias works: My husband didn’t realize he was doing this. Just as I concede space, he claims it. My daughters and sister concede their space as well. We women are taught to give up our space. Men are taught to conquer it.

If I had not raised this visible unconscious bias example with my husband, he would never have noticed it. This is how men get away with unconscious biases: the belief in their own right to space runs so deep that it functions as a fundamental truth. A man believes, “I AM space.” A woman believes “I share space.” Biologically this makes sense. Women share their bodies in many ways- intimately, in pregnancy, while nursing, even while carrying a child in her arms. A woman’s space is rarely only her own. This biological necessity has been underscored in gender roles and in religion. God is a man and is everywhere. The space in which we move is assumed to be male.

Space is a social construction, not a universal truth.

Why is such a seemingly small issue so important? I could continue to walk around my husband while he expects me to step aside. Because it’s not small. Men’s assumption of space spreads beyond the physical. Their ideas have more relevance, a situation any woman in business has experienced again and again. Men often speak first and longest in meetings, their questions are answered first, their ideas are validated more. How many times has a woman said something in a meeting to be ignored only to have a man repeat her words and then be applauded?

When a woman takes up more space than socially expected, she gains many labels. She is too masculine, she’s too chatty, she is a “piece of work,” she is “off the wall.” I’ve rarely heard any of these labels used on a man. Actually, I’ve never heard these labels applied to men.

So back to my husband. He’s learning. He’s either fortunate or unfortunate to have a feminist-thinking wife. But: when he is more aware of unconscious bias, he’s a better partner, a better husband, a better father of girls. He now sees bias where he didn’t see it before and often points it out to me. I’ve overheard him sharing some of his awareness with other men, usually when pejorative terms or labels are applied to women or when he sees women invalidated for speaking out. If you assume my husband is weak, you’d be wrong. He’s as unfiltered New Jersey Italian as can be. One of the many reasons I fell in love with my husband was that as strong and opinionated as he was, he was willing to be challenged. More importantly, he has been willing to change his perspective. What more could I want?

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