“Obìnrin sọ ìwà nù, ó lóhun ò rí ilé ọkọ gbé.”
Medium | 06.01.2026 15:32
“Obìnrin sọ ìwà nù, ó lóhun ò rí ilé ọkọ gbé.”
Translation: A woman who throws away good character will struggle to find a husband’s home
This Yoruba proverb is often directed at women. It is one of those sayings that has been passed down casually, almost unquestioned, as a moral warning: behave well, or marriage will elude you. Growing up, we heard it repeatedly—at family gatherings, during correction, sometimes even as a threat dressed up as wisdom.
This morning, while doing laundry, it came back to me.
But almost immediately, another thought followed.
I remembered Mr. Lekan.
Mr. Lekan is a very cranky, grumpy man in his late forties. He used to be my friend’s ex. Married and divorced twice, with several other relationships that ended badly in between. Every time his relationships fail, he slips comfortably into victim mode. According to him, he has tried his best. According to him, women keep disappointing him. According to him, love has simply not been fair.
Yet, if you sit with him for more than a few minutes, a different picture emerges.
He is moody. Chronically unkind. Emotionally exhausting. The kind of man who drains the room without saying much. The kind of person who believes effort means showing up, not doing inner work. When you look closely, the pattern becomes impossible to ignore: the common denominator in all his failed relationships is him.
And it made me wonder—why do we pretend this proverb only applies to women?
Because sometimes, it is not obìnrin who lacks ìwà.
Sometimes, it is ọkùnrin ò ní ìwà, ó lohun ò ní aya nílé
A man who lacks good character will struggle to keep a wife at home.
We rarely say this out loud. Society is far more comfortable diagnosing women’s flaws than men’s patterns. A woman’s singlehood is interrogated; a man’s is excused. Women are told to be softer, quieter, more patient, more tolerable. Men are allowed to be difficult and still expect companionship as a reward for merely existing.
But relationships do not fail because of bad luck alone. They fail because of unresolved character issues, emotional immaturity, lack of kindness, and refusal to self-reflect—regardless of gender.
Marriage is not a prize you earn by age or intention. Partnership is sustained by ìwà: empathy, accountability, gentleness, growth.
And if we are going to keep proverbs alive, we should at least apply them honestly.
Character is not a woman’s burden to carry alone.
