What Teens Really Need From Their Parents

Dr Chaland van Zyl, an educational physiologist and founder of TeenMindsSA, shares helpful insights for parents to understand what teens really need.

South Africa (11 February 2026) – Teenagers are often described as difficult, withdrawn, moody, or uncommunicative. Parents are told to expect slammed doors, short answers, and emotional distance as a normal part of adolescence. While there is truth in this, it is only part of the story. Beneath the surface bravado, eye-rolling, and silence, most teenagers are navigating an intense inner world they do not yet have the words – or confidence – to fully explain.

Adolescence is a period of rapid emotional, cognitive, and social development. Teenagers are learning who they are, where they belong, and how they measure up in a world that feels increasingly demanding. At the same time, their brains are still developing the skills needed to regulate emotion, manage stress, and hold perspective. This combination often leaves teenagers feeling overwhelmed, misunderstood, or alone – especially when their attempts to communicate are met with solutions instead of understanding.

Dr Chaland van Zyl, an educational psychologist and founder of TeenMindsSA, works closely with teenagers and parents and consistently hears the same underlying message from young people: “I don’t need my parents to fix me. I need them to see me.” Through TeenMindsSA – available online as well as on Instagram and Facebook – these unspoken needs are translated into language that helps parents respond with greater empathy and confidence.

This article brings together five key areas where teenagers most often feel misunderstood: friendships, academic pressure, stress and anxiety, emotional withdrawal, and the push – and – pull of closeness in adolescence. Together, they offer a clearer picture of what teenagers are really asking for – not perfection, not constant solutions, but presence, understanding, and the reassurance that their inner world matters.

Staying present, even when it gets hard

Adolescence is not only a phase of growing independence – it is a time of intense inner movement. Teenagers move away, but they are also constantly checking back. They test boundaries, while at the same time testing relationships. The central question many teenagers ask, often without words, is simple but profound: Am I safe to be who I am, even when I am struggling?

When teenagers talk about friendships

For teenagers, friendships are not a side issue. They are deeply connected to identity, belonging, and self – worth. When a friendship falters, it does not feel like “just a problem” – it feels like a loss.

Adults often respond quickly with solutions: Confront her. Find new friends.

What teenagers hear instead is: My pain is too much.

In these moments, teenagers do not need fixing; they need emotional safety. When a parent can first say, “That sounds really painful,” a teenager learns that emotions can be held within a relationship. Feeling heard is often the first step toward growth.

When academic pressure becomes personal

School is no longer just about learning content. For many teenagers, marks become a measure of worth. When performance is the first question every day, some teenagers begin to believe: I am what I achieve. Research shows, paradoxically, that when self – worth begins to erode, learning ability also declines.

This does not mean academics are unimportant. It simply means that order matters. A healthier order begins with: How are you really doing? What does it feel like to struggle? How can we support you? When love and acceptance are not dependent on performance, it becomes safer to try – and safer to ask for help.

The inner world of an overwhelmed teenager

Many teenagers live with a constant background hum of stress. They think about their bodies, their friends, their mistakes, and their future. When they try to explain how overwhelmed they feel, they are sometimes told, “You’re overthinking.” The result is often silence.

Anxiety is not weakness. It is a nervous system struggling to switch off in a world that offers few pauses and high expectations. Teenagers do not always need anxiety to be solved; they need it to be acknowledged. Calm presence – “I can see this feels like a lot” – helps a teenager’s brain learn: I can have big feelings and still be safe. This is the foundation of emotional resilience.

When silence is a signal

When a teenager becomes quieter or withdraws, it is easy to dismiss it as moodiness. But sometimes silence is a signal. Teenagers often test, unconsciously: If I am honest, will you stay? Or will you try to fix it too quickly?
Asking, “How are you really doing?” requires courage. Staying with the answer requires even more. Parents do not need to be therapists. They do not need all the answers. Teenagers need availability – someone who can listen without being frightened by emotion or discomfort. When professional help is needed, it is not a sign of failure, but of care and commitment.

The paradox of adolescence: pushing away and longing for closeness

Teenagers often say, “Leave me alone.” But they often mean, “Please don’t leave me.” Adolescence is a time of moving away and coming back. Teenagers practise independence while still needing safe anchors.

Staying close does not mean pushing. It means being consistently available, remaining gentle when they are sharp, and not taking developmentally normal behaviour personally. The message that ultimately creates safety is simple but profound: I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.

Staying close, staying curious

Parenting during adolescence is less about control and more about presence. Less about fixing and more about staying. As Dr Chaland van Zyl often reminds parents, teenagers do not thrive because adults do everything perfectly, but because someone stays present and keeps listening – even when it becomes uncomfortable.

When teenagers feel emotionally seen and heard, it not only strengthens relationships but also helps build resilient young people who can carry their inner worlds with greater confidence.

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