Festive invite overload? How to get better at saying no

The winter holiday period is meant to be joyful, yet for many of us it comes with a heavy mix of responsibilities and social pressure to go to parties and events we don't want to.

Agreeing to something we don't want to do is a feeling that we've all experienced. It can manifest in physical responses like a tight stomach, a dry mouth, or even a higher heart rate.

Dr Xand and Dr Chris van Tulleken, hosts of the BBC's What's Up Docs wellness podcast, say they've both been affected.

"We both get the wobbly voice.

It's so hard to go, 'actually, I don't want to do this thing you're asking me to do. I don't want to go along with the thing we're all expected to go along with,'" says Dr Xand on What's Up Docs.

But getting more comfortable with saying no may be the first step to taking more control over our lives.

"Whether you're eight or 80, saying no, and sticking up for what you believe in is actually quite important for your mental health," says Dr Xand.

Behavioural scientist Dr Sunita Sah suggests three ways to get better at it.

Should you say 'no' more often?

The doctors explore the psychology behind our reluctance to turn things down, and how we can become more comfortable protecting our boundaries.

Saying no can feel uncomfortable. Many of us were brought up to do as we were told, and as adults we struggle to go against how we've been raised.

"We equate compliance with good and defiance with bad," says Dr Sah. "Children get lots of training in compliance, but they need to receive training in defiance too."

Reshaping how we view and define saying no is key. Seeing it as a positive act instead of a negative one can be instrumental in taking greater control over decisions.

"To defy is to act in accordance with your true values, especially when there is pressure to do otherwise."

When deciding whether to say yes or no, the question to ask is whether you're going against your values.

These are often expressed as single, powerful words like integrity, compassion, or equality. But we may struggle to enact them in daily life.

Establishing your values is the first step towards upholding them. "If we write them down, research shows we are more likely to act in alignment with them," says Dr Sah.

If you don't need to answer immediately, then ask for more time. Dr Sah emphasises the importance of becoming comfortable with asking for a pause.

Phrases such as "Let me think on this" or "That's really interesting, let me get back to you" can be highly effective in buying time to evaluate whether you truly want to undertake the task.

"We know that with any sales pitch, you want to get either some physical distance or some psychological distance between you and the person asking the question.

"We can get that psychological distance from talking to ourselves and asking, 'Do you really want to do this?'" she says.

Creating some physical space between yourself and the person asking the question can also be instrumental in making an informed decision. Dr Sah has previously spoken about how making the decision in private gives us the space to change our mind.

3. Practise on your neighbour

If you find it difficult to say no, then practising in low-stake scenarios can help.

We make decisions every day, most of them quite small. Things like an invite to your neighbour's house, lending an item or stopping to speak with a salesperson are all perfect opportunities.

"It's not a glamorous act of defiance. It's not standing up to your sexist or racist boss, but it's still necessary to do the less glamorous but still important self-protected bits of defiance," says Dr Xand.

"We can lean into those situations where we found it easier to defy and think about what made it easy for me in that situation and use that in other situations," adds Dr Sah.

When it comes to the important situations – where agreeing would violate something that matters to you – you can then be more confident saying no.