THE CONCEPT OF monogamy in romantic relationships is pretty long-standing. But some people may choose another way of life via ethical nonmonogamy, also known as consensual nonmonogamy.
And though there can be stigma associated with nonmonogamy, some sources suggest it’s becoming more popular. According to Match’s 2023 Singles in America study. "nearly 1/3 of singles (31%) have had a non-monogamous relationship." And, in recent years, sites like Tinder and Hinge have allowed users to specify the type of relationship they’re interested in, with Tinder's options including "monogamy," "ethical non-monogamy," and "open to exploring."
While participants in ENM can report positive outcomes, nonmonogamous relationships can also require work. So if you’re curious about ethical nonmonogamy—whether with your current partner or in the future—here's your opportunity to learn about what it can involve along with best practices for communication, safety, and more.
What is ethical nonmonogamy?
Some people agree to be sexually and romantically exclusive to each other in monogamy. But in ethical nonmonogamy (ENM), people openly, consciously, and consensually have romantic and/or sexual relationships with multiple partners, says Adam Boardman, LMFT, a psychotherapist and speaker based in Los Angeles.
And while some people use the terms “ethical nonmonogamy” and “consensual nonmonogamy” interchangeably, others may not.
For instance, some people who engage in consensual nonmonogamy may make decisions that might be unethical in someone else’s eyes, says Sari Cooper LSCW-R, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and supervisor and the founder and director of Center for Love and Sex in New York. So, someone who practices ethical nonmonogamy may not go out with someone else who is being unfaithful to their own partner, says Cooper, also cofounder of the Erotic Intimacy Academy. Meanwhile, someone practicing consensual nonmonogamy may have no issue with someone else’s infidelity.
Also of note, since it just came up: Ethical nonmonogamy is not the same as infidelity.
Infidelity describes behaviors that cross an agreement that partners have made about sexual practices, says Cooper, noting that infidelity also can involve breaches to emotional agreements. So, it’s still possible for people practicing ethical nonmonogamy to be unfaithful if they break the agreements they have made with their partners.
OK, so what are some different types of ethical nonmonogamy?
Definitions can vary. “People in different communities—and all people—have different meanings that they attribute to these terms,” says Cooper.
And while labels can be helpful for understanding agreements, “there isn’t one way to do this,” says Boardman. “If anything, people have to come up with their own rules,” he adds, noting this process can go more smoothly with the help of a trained, competent therapist or by using credible resources.
That said, ethical nonmonogamy can include, but is not limited to, the following types. And people may participate in more than one kind.
Don’t ask, don’t tell. This consensual agreement has the “least amount of discussion required,” says Cooper. “That is when partners say, ‘I agree that we are both going to do our own thing outside of our relationship, but I don’t need to know the details.’”
Swinging. We’re not talking about chandeliers. This is generally “a couples experience,” says Cooper, where couples might go out with another couple they met online or go to a party to engage in sex with another couple.
Monogamish. Here, you may have a primary partner, but you have “a hall pass” or you’re both open to bringing someone home “to play with,” Cooper explains. This also may overlap with a don’t ask, don’t tell agreement, such as when a person is free to engage in safe sex while traveling. (Remember that these categories can be fluid.)
Polyamory. This refers to having “more than one open romantic relationship at a time,” Merriam-Webster confirms. People who are poly may have a primary partner, perhaps with whom they share children or finances, and that person might have veto power over others, Cooper says. But non-hierarchical polyamory also exists. And people may participate in “throuples” or “quads,” where all participants are romantically or sexually involved with each other.
Poly-mono. In these relationships, one person can identify with polyamory and practice that—with agreement from their partner—while their partner is monogamous, Cooper says.
What are best practices to consider for communication and safety?
If these relationships seem purely free and easy—hold up. Because they require work.
“With that freedom…does come responsibility,” says Boardman. “You have to do self-examination work. You have to do communication work, with your partner and other partners, that is real in order to be safe, and ethical, and responsible as you navigate the new landscape of your relationship.”
What to ask yourself
If you’re interested in ethical nonmonogamy, you can ask yourself the following questions, says Boardman.
- What are my needs?
- What am I missing?
- Do I have time and energy to see other people? If yes, when and where?
- Is this a good time to take this step—and is it practical?
You also may want to ask how you’d feel about your partner being involved with others.
What to know about communication
This lifestyle may not be for the meek. So get ready to talk.
“All of these terms have multiple meanings and agreements within the term, so they need to be discussed explicitly so each person knows what they’re getting into,” says Cooper, noting that you should listen and watch for potential partners’ reactions and questions.
And don’t steamroll ahead. Sometimes potential partners may appear to be onboard, but they may actually feel ambivalent or coerced, which can bring on resentment, says Cooper. So, consider asking them the following questions, she says.
- How much do you know about ethical nonmonogamy?
- Are there any situations that you would feel uncomfortable in?
What to know about trust and safety
These relationships require “huge amounts of trust” because you’re dealing with physical and sexual health, says Boardman. “Any time you’re dealing with sexual intimacy with multiple partners, then, yeah, there’s always an element of risk. And so you have to be able to trust your own ability to keep yourself and your partner safe,” he says.
So if you or your partner (if you have one) already have trust or jealousy issues, think about whether this step would be right for you.
Also, have agreements about protection. Safety steps can include regular testing for sexually transmitted infections (STIs), correct condom use, and vaccinations for hepatitis A and B, says Boardman, noting you also may consider PrEP, which can reduce your chance of contracting HIV from sex. And have a plan for what you and your partners will do if a condom breaks, he says.
Also, it is important to be transparent with all potential partners. Because everyone should have the opportunity to consent to this arrangement—or not. And remember that it’s unethical to make agreements, such as using condoms, and not follow through.
“Cheating is breaking the contract: It’s straying from the deal you made. And, that’s the thing. Once you start cheating, you’re no longer practicing ethical nonmonogamy,” Boardman says. “So you have to be the kind of man,” he adds, “who can live up to his word.”
